Radical Acceptance: What the Heck Are We Even Talking About!?
Make no mistake, true and whole acceptance of reality — including painful realities — sometimes called Radical Acceptance, is a transformative tool for healing.
But of course, you already are aware of reality. And, of course, you accept it; you are not deluded. You are aware of the messed up, ridiculous, and even appalling things you have committed or suffered. And maybe it drives you absolutely nuts and is the source of your anxiety, despair, or that hair-trigger freakout reflex. It’s the stuff that seems to move you in every direction besides “balanced” or “well.”
So the question remains: What then is this radical part of Radical Acceptance that is part and parcel of wholeness, peace, and recovery?
This question has been on my mind.
Let’s dive in!
The Radical of Radical Acceptance
According to Marsha Linehan, the holy mother of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Radical Acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a adopting a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.
Radical Acceptance is embracing life and accepting reality as it is — in the present moment — without judgment, resistance, or denial, even when faced with pain.
When it comes to actually practicing Radical Acceptance, we often unwittingly miss the following key parts:
The not resisting part. Bearing a setback or injury you can’t do anything to change while not ruminating, blaming, being argumentative, or avoiding it — just working with the reality of what is, and the resources and choices actually available to you.
The not judging part. Quieting your inner critic or snark through the shitshow and taking it all in with compassion.
The letting go of the illusion of control part. Setting aside your defenses and acknowledging your human vulnerability to emotional harm and to loss — exposing yourself to the gravity of that and even surrendering to it.
The pain part. Allowing waves of emotions like grief, ecstasy, sorrow, regret, gratitude, and maybe a hundred more to roll over and through you.
This is crazy, right? This is radical!!
And it’s OK to take it easy on Radical Acceptance. Sometimes the pain is too intense. Or it feels like you’re letting go of, giving up too much, or letting wrongdoers off the hook. Perhaps it feels like you’re stewing in needless bad feelings or wasting time. Maybe you are still learning how to do it.
All that makes perfect sense. Remember that This. Is. Radical.
How to Recognize When You’re Not Being Radical
Radical Acceptance is weird. It’s radical. It can be hard to know if you’re doing it. To maybe help, here’s a list of what not practicing Radical Acceptance could look and feel like.
What NOT being radical might look like:
Replaying conversations in your head, wishing they’d gone differently
Ignoring or not considering certain facts because they’re too awkward or painful
Thinking a lot about how things should be instead of how they are
Reacting with blame, defensiveness, or escapism in moments of difficulty
Numbing out, procrastinating, or isolating to avoid uncomfortable emotions
Perpetually steering clear of the feelings of grief around a loss
Not opening bills or going to medical appointments to avoid bad news
Avoiding conversations about an unwanted reality
Refusing to give up on problem-solving in situations where no solution exists
Insisting on “staying positive” while being unable to acknowledge other emotions
Continuing to call, text, or idealize the other person after a relationship has ended
Focusing on how someone or something else needs to change for you to feel OK
Judging yourself for how you feel or what you’re going through
Being focused on the story or explanations at the exclusion of your moment-to-moment experience
What NOT being radical might feel like:
Intense bitterness or resentment about a situation or person
Feeling stuck in shame or unworthiness
Hopelessness or helplessness — feeling like you can’t go on unless something changes even when the situation is unchangeable
Feeling defined by what’s happened to you, without room for growth or change
Trying to “move on” rather than stay with what is
Believing something is wrong with you for experiencing pain, sadness, fear, or anger
Chronic tension or exhaustion — your body feels tight or guarded
10 Tips for Becoming More Radical
Notice thoughts that include judgment and shift to observations of simple facts. For example: “This person ended the relationship” instead of “They abandoned me.”
Notice when you find yourself thinking or saying, “This isn’t fair,” “I can’t stand this,” or “It shouldn’t be this way.” Consider these as signals to pause, breathe, and come back to the facts of what is.
Practice with small things — daily frustrations like traffic, weather, or someone’s tone. Say, “This is happening. I may not like it, but I can accept it.”
Notice when your body tenses while thinking about circumstances you don’t like. Invite relaxation. Relax your jaw. Unclench your fists. Let your shoulders drop.
Validate your body’s response, whatever it is: “Of course my body feels this way. This makes sense given what I’ve been through.”
Place a gentle hand over your heart or belly. Say, “This belongs,” or “This is hard — and I’m here.”
Don’t rush to fix or numb discomfort. Try sitting with the feeling, even just for a few breaths.
Try feeling a sensation without explaining it. Just experience it with curiosity and grace.
Appreciate the parts of you that resist Radical Acceptance. You may have once needed to set emotions aside to survive. That was adaptation, and it got you through.
Remember, imperfection is part of being human. Give yourself permission to sit, rest, and reflect in the mess.
For a list of more affirmations to serve as anchors in challenging moments, [click here].
Conclusion
Radical Acceptance allows us to live fully — to stay with life as it is, messy and magnificent, without waiting for circumstances to change before we begin healing.
It doesn’t erase pain, but it softens our suffering. It gives us permission to grieve, feel, reflect, and grow. When we stop fighting reality, we gain clarity — and from clarity comes choice.
There is a paradox in accepting emotional pain: resisting it makes it worse, but turning toward it, however slowly or awkwardly, can bring peace.
As Pema Chödrön said, “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.” And in the words of Carl Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Radical Acceptance may be uncomfortable at first — even counterintuitive — but it offers a profound path forward. One that invites wholeness, softness, and the kind of transformation that begins not with fixing, but with facing.
For Further Exploration
In my own experience, curiosity about Radical Acceptance led me to the work of Tara Brach and Pema Chödrön. If you’re feeling curious too, here are some resources I’ve found especially meaningful:
R.A.I.N. Meditation – by Tara Brach
A guided practice for recognizing and softening resistance with compassion.Radical Acceptance – by Tara Brach (book)
A powerful and accessible guide to understanding and applying Radical Acceptance in everyday life.When Things Fall Apart – by Pema Chödrön
Gentle, sometimes piercing wisdom on how to face life’s chaos and suffering with courage and clarity.
The content here is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice.
This information does not pertain to situations involving eminent danger or risk of physical safety.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.
